A Quokka Dreeds its Weird

I read The Indian in the Cupboard when I was ten or so, and while I was charmed by the idea of bringing tiny figures of people (and better yet, animals) to life, even then I thought the portrayal of the Indian seemed vaguely racist. Since I did not have a strong racism-o-meter at that age, I can only imagine what I’d think now and will not be re-reading that one.

I was not aware that there was more than one sequel, and was tipped off that there are in fact five of increasing levels of batshit, and that # 4 largely concerns Omri’s ancestor’s hatred of plastic. So I had to read it to see if it was as bonkers as it sounded. It was even more bonkers!

I had not read the intervening book 3, but it was helpfully recapped in this one. Apparently Omri and his friend Patrick travel to the time of the Indian Little Bear, where he is full-sized and they are tiny, only there is a tornado in his time and when they return they bring it with them and it destroys “half of England” (this is not at all apparent in book 4) and also Omri’s house. Before that Omri’s house is invaded by skinheads who are fought off by a miniature soldier.

In this book, Omri’s family conveniently inherits a house and moves into it literally without ever visiting it first. When they arrive, they are shocked to discover that the antique thatched roof has to be replaced at staggering expense. (Much is made of the expense early on but this is never mentioned again and has no consequences.)

In a bafflingly irrelevant subplot, his cat escapes on the first day, Omri spends tons of time searching for her, then totally forgets about her for the middle stretch of the book, then finds her and also her surprise kittens in the loft, then his friend Patrick falls out of the loft and breaks his leg. None of this has anything to do with anything else in the book.

When their new home is getting re-thatched, Omri discovers the hidden journal of his great-great aunt Jessica (the family relationships are SO COMPLICATED I had to check them all on Wikipedia; I couldn’t follow them at all in the book) which was continued by his great-uncle Frederick. Much of the book consists of this journal.

Everything else is both spoilery and absolutely batshit. Also incredibly melodramatic. And kind of inappropriate for its intended age group. I have to say, you probably don’t want to miss this.

Jessica was the family black sheep, a music-hall singer and unwed mother with second sight who tells fortunes with molten lead. She is obsessed with a pair of aquamarine earrings owned by her sister, to whom she’s forced to give her daughter or possibly niece Lottie. I think the father of her daughter or niece was her sister’s husband? Maybe? I got completely lost in a web of family relationships.

She broods about stealing the earrings for two years, creates an elaborate plot that involves making a magic lead key for the jewelry box, then finally does steal them. But to her horror, her daughter/niece is accused of stealing them and runs madly into traffic! Her father pursues her and is run over! HER SIN CAUSED HER BABY-DADDY’S DEATH!!!

Meanwhile, her nephew or possibly her son Frederick has a thriving lead soldier business. But then people begin making plastic figurines! He develops an obsessive hatred of plastic which consumes his entire life. Concerned, Jessica suggests that he make a cupboard and imagine himself locking his hatred of plastic in it. He does so, and is rid of the life-controlling obsession, though he still hates plastic.

Because he also has second sight, when he locks his hatred of plastic in the cupboard, it makes the cupboard into a magical object which transforms plastic figurines into real tiny people and animals snatched from past time periods.

…no, I don’t see how this follows either. Moving right along!

Omri learns that Jessica brought some plastic figures to life and left a legacy to Tom, one of the men who thatched her roof. Omri visits him, and learns that Jessica sent most of the figures back to their original times before she died, but one, Jenny, was a Victorian maid whose life was so wretched that she stayed in this one as a teeny person.

Jenny the teeny maid lived with Tom for thirty years as essentially his wife. Only in her time, she was comatose for 30 years in a mental hospital (in Victorian times? How did they keep her alive?) until they cruelly murdered her by ceasing to care for her. She died in her time and reverted to plastic in his. Tom made a teeny coffin for the teeny plastic figurine that was all that was left of his wife and buried her with a teeny headstone and I can’t believe I’m typing this.

Tom falls off the roof and is fatally injured. (Second unrelated fall from a height in the book.) There’s an uncomfortably graphic scene (I mean, considering this is a kids’ book) where Omri’s with him while he’s dying. Tom reveals that before Jenny (teeny wife) died/became plastic, she found a plastic figurine which she sensed could be used to call Jessica (great-great aunt) back to the present after her death in the past.

Omri finds Jessica’s figurines and brings them back to life. One is dead, but the rest want to go back to their lives in the past. Only one is a thief whom, Omri realizes, stole his grandmother’s jewelry which meant she had to scrub steps as an old lady and his mom grew up poverty-stricken. Also the jewelry was in the case that contained the magic key to the cupboard (the same key Jessica used to steal the earrings). Omri sends them all back, telling the thief to return the jewelry case. Only then Omri realizes that this is changing the past and freaks out that maybe now he won’t be born (except he already sent back the thief and he still exists???)

AND THEN! Omri, while searching for the earrings of doom because he thinks his mom would like them (!) instead finds the figurine that summons Jessica. He and Patrick (currently visiting) put it in the cupboard and bring her to life. She’s in the prime of life, pre-earring theft. He considers warning her not to steal the earrings but decides not to in case it changes the timeline. She sings a music hall song, and then they send her back to her own time.

They attend Tom’s funeral, where Omri muses He hoped that Tom had believed in [a hereafter], one where time and size didn’t matter, and people who had loved each other would come together.

This is a very moving sentiment. I would be moved, except that the phrase and size left me snickering.

Especially since once of you once commented about a Piers Anthony story about a man and his teeny wife where they have sex by her hugging his dick

At the funeral, Omri sees Tom’s daughter wearing the earrings of doom and realizes that Jessica must have given them to him and he gave him to her, and so Omri cannot give them to his mom. But it’s okay, once he sees them he realizes that they aren’t his mom’s style anyway.

Omri’s mom reveals that while her mom’s jewelry had been stolen, the case itself had been returned. (Presumably either by the thief or by the woman figurine who was in his same time.) So Omri didn’t change the past after all.

AND THEN! Omri’s father finds the cupboard and accidentally brings Little Bear, his family, and Boone the cowboy back to life. Now Dad knows all!

The end. Or rather, to be continued!



Truly, a book worthy of the author of Harry the Poisonous Centipede Goes to the Seaside.

I will read and review the fifth and final book if enough of you promise in comments that you will give me some sort of reward, like write me a fic or draw me a sketch or review a book yourself or mail me a plastic figurine or make a donation to a good cause.

The Mystery of the Cupboard